Symptoms at work
My previously energetic bounding gait, which would include zooming up several flights of stairs as the team trailed behind, was becoming an ungainly trudge across the hospital. When colleagues commented, I’d brush it off, saying I was a bit sore from running too much.
I developed a habit of holding my small exam bag (proudly brought back from the Mayo Clinic – a symbol amongst neurologists of doing time there) in the crook of my bent and slow-moving right elbow. My handwriting was becoming a laborious scrawl. Initially, I minimised the issue by laughing it off as ‘typical doctor’s handwriting’ and by making a conscious effort to be more concise. I’d try to complete as many forms as I could before the patients came into my office. Looking back through my outpatient notes, I could clearly see the deterioration. At times, I started using my left hand to move the right hand with the pen. What became more disturbing was my observation that many of my PD patients were moving more freely than I was.
Reaction to the diagnosis
The weeks following the formal diagnosis and commencement of medication were difficult. Even though I knew it was coming, to hear it being confirmed still had a powerful effect. On the positive side, it confirmed I was not imagining the symptoms, and it wasn’t something more sinister. There was also some validation of my own diagnosis.
What I found particularly difficult was a shift in my thinking about the future. My previous mental picture was of looking forward to a very active retirement, perhaps still doing some private work and research, but also enjoying a lot of travel with Kirsten. I’d also hoped to finally have some time to put in extra practice into my golf game, and even get good enough to play in some amateur tournaments and senior pennants.
I suddenly felt all of this wasn’t going to happen; and that I’d inevitably get functionally worse because that’s what is supposed to happen in PD. This feeling of the future I’d planned being taken away was probably the worst part of the early post-diagnosis time.
Prostate cancer
I felt a great sense of frustration and exhaustion, as yet another health struggle now loomed. I’d had COVID-19 in May 2022, two cataract surgeries in August 2022, a depressive episode in September/October 2022, and deterioration of PD symptoms. By early 2023, when it felt like I was starting to get back on top of things, a retinal detachment knocked me down again. And now CANCER!! I wondered if I had the energy left to go through another medical battle.
Taking stock and seeing the silver lining
For the first time in two years, I could assess where my PD was at without other conditions obscuring the picture. Pre-diagnosis, my life was dominated by work.
Without PD, perhaps I would have retired early anyway. Perhaps I would have continued working too hard and had a stroke. Worse still, I could have continued in a sleep-deprived, caffeine-dependent state, and made mistakes that harmed a patient. I’m glad I recognised this and retired from acute stroke work when I did. In retrospect, the stress I put myself under in 2019 may well have worsened my PD. It wasn’t until this contemplative time in 2024 that I fully appreciated that.
People unfamiliar with PD, and many people with PD, may find it strange that I believe my life to be better for having PD. At this stage, I feel I’ve been granted several surprising gifts: being forced to slow down and be more appreciative of everything; understanding the value of mindfulness which has strengthened my already fantastic relationship with my wife who has been amazing with the ‘in sickness’ part of the marriage vows. I’ve done things (like boxing training) and met people (like Rai) I never would have otherwise.
Despite physical limitations, I find myself to be mentally freer than ever before. As a neurologist, it has given me an incredible opportunity to assist people with PD and to help my colleagues understand the experience of living with PD. Also, I’m grasping the chance to undertake several projects that will keep me engaged in the field for as long as I like.
